When I left my home in Boulder, a dear friend came by with chai and a few free hours to help with packing. She also presented me with a precious going away gift. It was a small silver bird on a thin, pale yellow thread, delicately laced through a small necklace clasp. It was, she explained, "a wish necklace," meant to be wished upon before wearing and when the thread inevitably broke, the wish would come true. Upon her suggestion, I infused the gift with all of my intentions for my move to Japan--everything that I wanted to bring, to learn, to see, to hold, to breathe, to experience. I've not since taken it off, wearing the slowly fraying accessory even when swimming and bathing and getting a massage and wondering when it would finally snap and if I'd even notice! Since October, that little bird has become a part of my day-to-day life--a reminder of all I am and all I hope to become. My friend told me she chose that particular emblem because she viewed me as a little bird about to take flight. I must admit, that is exactly how I feel.
In the past week, I've visited lots of people and places and been highly emotional at times. I've discovered it's possible to be TOO present! (If you affect your experience of anything by trying to impose meaning, sometimes you're left with meaning...and not experience!) Yes, it has been challenging. Even when I consider that it might be easier to just scrap this whole idea of moving overseas and resettle among the familiar, deep-down there is a comfortable urge to keep going. The unknown calls me forward...and the possibility of adversity does not deter me from wanting to soar into the adventures ahead.
Recently I met JoAnn who'd moved to Japan as a single lady herself in the 60's. We talked about her life there and the way her life since has been shaped by having lived there. (She met and married another missionary and their first child was born in Kyoto. She also carries a deep love for the people of Japan.) I visited with her and her pastor Kevin and friend Sally. She even had me over to her farm for lunch. We looked through pictures and shared our experiences. I felt like I'd always known her!
Driving back to Nashville, I was on the phone with my mom. We made arrangements for me to come home for a few days at the start of March (after 2 months on the road) to re-pack and head back out for a youth retreat at NaCoMe--my first one in nearly 4 years, and potentially my last for just as long or longer! Mom began making suggestions of other churches and places and people I should try to contact or visit before I leave for Japan. I noticed a tightening in my chest. "When will I do that?" I asked her frantically. Then, realizing that I was growing immediately unhappy and overwhelmed, I said to her, "No. I'm doing enough. I'm not going to do anymore than I've already planned. I'm okay." She agreed with me and it felt really good. As our conversation continued, I casually reached up to adjust my seat belt off of my shoulder. My finger caught the thread of my necklace...and it SNAPPED!
I think it's pretty fitting. I needed to learn and accept that there is no longer a reason to be so hard on myself. To do what I can is to do enough. To push myself too hard is to set myself up for feeling overwhelmed or disappointed in myself. This lesson left me feeling untethered and ready to fly. Whew!
In the past week, I've visited lots of people and places and been highly emotional at times. I've discovered it's possible to be TOO present! (If you affect your experience of anything by trying to impose meaning, sometimes you're left with meaning...and not experience!) Yes, it has been challenging. Even when I consider that it might be easier to just scrap this whole idea of moving overseas and resettle among the familiar, deep-down there is a comfortable urge to keep going. The unknown calls me forward...and the possibility of adversity does not deter me from wanting to soar into the adventures ahead.
Recently I met JoAnn who'd moved to Japan as a single lady herself in the 60's. We talked about her life there and the way her life since has been shaped by having lived there. (She met and married another missionary and their first child was born in Kyoto. She also carries a deep love for the people of Japan.) I visited with her and her pastor Kevin and friend Sally. She even had me over to her farm for lunch. We looked through pictures and shared our experiences. I felt like I'd always known her!
Driving back to Nashville, I was on the phone with my mom. We made arrangements for me to come home for a few days at the start of March (after 2 months on the road) to re-pack and head back out for a youth retreat at NaCoMe--my first one in nearly 4 years, and potentially my last for just as long or longer! Mom began making suggestions of other churches and places and people I should try to contact or visit before I leave for Japan. I noticed a tightening in my chest. "When will I do that?" I asked her frantically. Then, realizing that I was growing immediately unhappy and overwhelmed, I said to her, "No. I'm doing enough. I'm not going to do anymore than I've already planned. I'm okay." She agreed with me and it felt really good. As our conversation continued, I casually reached up to adjust my seat belt off of my shoulder. My finger caught the thread of my necklace...and it SNAPPED!
I think it's pretty fitting. I needed to learn and accept that there is no longer a reason to be so hard on myself. To do what I can is to do enough. To push myself too hard is to set myself up for feeling overwhelmed or disappointed in myself. This lesson left me feeling untethered and ready to fly. Whew!
5:43 AM |
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