Sad days. :(
Maybe this was the first of many bumps in the road, or maybe this was the only one of its kind. Who can say, really? But...I've had a hard week, followed by a week of reprieve, followed by the mother of all hard weeks. I am not in the gripey state of wanting to say too much about it, but I do need to admit... This is hard.
"This"--being alone in a new place,
"This"--missing my family, friends, and easily accessible allergy-friendly foods,
"This"--maneuvering through day-to-day life without comprehension of language,
"This"--learning about myself and others through trial and error,
"This"--teetering along a thin line between professionalism and friendship; openness and privacy,
"This"--restructuring of time, needs, passions, and responsibilities,
"This"--absence of middle ground between overwhelm and isolation,
"This"--feeling of disconnect from those who are in closest proximity to me,
"This"--reconciliation of dreams, desires, and reality,
"This"--fear that so many people who've put their trust and belief in me...may be disappointed in me...
Confession: Even as I write this, and even as I experience these things and these feelings, there is a constant whir within me that assures me I'm just fine; that I
will be just fine; that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be; exactly
who I'm supposed to be.
Do you know that I once lost track of time while talking to my friend Jeffrey and he missed the last bus from Boulder to Denver? He was born without arms or legs and his wheelchair didn't collapse AND weighed 400 lbs, so it was impossible to drive him home or hire a cab. Without a second thought, I arranged to leave his chair in a nearby restaurant, carried him to my car and buckled him into the safety belt, drove him to my apartment, and proceeded to carry him up a steep flight of stairs in the middle of the night...realizing only the next morning when I carried him down again...how crazy heavy he was!!! I thought I'd drop him on the descent, and I told him so. (Poor guy! He was terrified!) He said, "I know! The way you ran up the stairs with me last night, I thought, 'Good Lord! Who IS this woman??'" ...But that's me. When the situation calls for it, I somehow arise with all it takes to survive...and sometimes even thrive!
So that's not different here and now.
This isn't horn-tootin'. I'm
amazing at my job! I am, and I'm soooo glad! Who really knew that I would be?
I certainly didn't. But, thankfully, it's true! Each of my classes is so, so different and therefore requires not only a different lesson plan each week, but also a different part of me!
The day of my first class was the first emergence of any real drama for me here in Japan. It came in the form of a misunderstanding between me and my colleagues. (Imagine that! A misunderstanding between people of different cultures, from different countries, with different languages and ages and personalities?? Who'da thunk it?) ;) Riding the train toward the church, I tearfully lamented, "I'm unable. I'm not ready. I can't do this." But a dear friend back in the States happened to still be awake and on Skype and said, "Uhhh, yeah you can. Let's get you prepped," and proceeded to brainstorm with me precisely how I would manage my first class.
This was an introductory meeting, so I went in expecting to lead a couple activities for 3 to 10 adults in their 50's and ended up with over 30 potential students between the ages of 2 and 70 whom I needed to teach/entertain for almost TWO HOURS! Ha!! But you know what? It went really, really well! :) And each my classes since have too!
Some of my younger "students" :)
Even so, I lingered in a "funk." I was able to apply so many of the compassionate communication skills I obtained through my education at Naropa University and though it would have (for a split second) seemed easier to just throw in the proverbial towel and head back to the States, I hung in there. I'm glad I did.
I guess it's just tricky to truly settle in anywhere,
especially when there are SO many adjustments to make. I'm an open person. I love to share my stories and my heart with others and I love encouraging that type of openness within
them. Even so, I was not quite prepared for the cultural difference wherein what is shared between two does not remain between two and becomes instead "common knowledge." It is my belief that the people of Japan Presbytery care for and worry about me a great deal, so it seems natural to discuss me...even things about me that I'd rather they didn't discuss--typical American "taboos" like money, health, and personal life, you know? I had begun to feel that my life lacked walls and doors and curtains, so to speak. Everything I said and did and felt seemed up for discussion...whether I was a participant in that discussion or not. BUT...once I realized what was happening and how horribly it was affecting me. I drew upon my resources (support from friends, family, and employer, conflict resolution training, and straight up, tearful prayer) and managed to work through things and restore joy and equanimity to my life and my work. (I specify now that these are two different things.) ;)
Anyway, it's been a rough go of late. Struggles and disappointments have seeped into a months-long run of good days. I'm grateful, though, for all that I've learned and am learning--the greatest lesson of which seems to be a reminder to be gentle with myself and others and to not hold on too tightly or let go too quickly, but to instead float along, oar in hand, ready to paddle if things go off course.
Fun with FRIENDS!!
